Plum in Pampers
by Elissahara30
Summary: Stephanie starts to hear her biological clock ticking away not your adverage baby story
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

Plum in Pampers 

By, Elissahara30

There are times in a person's life that you realize you need to grow up. I've resisted that unnatural urge to hurl myself into the complete madness that people call responsibility. Sure, I have an apartment, I pay bills and I even own a pet that to this day is still alive. So the question I keep asking myself, why should I go that extra excruciating distance and get married and have children?

I've been married. It was the most painful and humiliating experience of my life and I have no desire to revisit it any time soon. And children? I still shudder at night at the thought of spawning something onto the public at large. I can't help but think of Rosemary's Baby.

I don't know what made the niggling little seed of thought encroach onto my mind, but some where in the last few months the desire to become a mother became almost suffocating. I was walking in the Quaker Bridge Mall and stopped at a baby store and found myself looking at all the little outfits and I picked up these booties and they were so tiny. I started to wonder if I had developed a brain tumor for all my longings I've been having for a baby of my own.

Am I finally ready to enter the dark abyss known as adulthood and forget my recklessness behind? Do I find myself a husband and settle into the Burg and raise a brood of my own?

Here I am Trenton, New Jersey, Stephanie Plum thirty three year old Bounty Hunter. I'm single and in love with two men. What is a girl to do?

She gets her phonebook and calls a fertility clinic, that's what she dose.

-8888-

I breezed into the Bonds office in the morning to check on any skips I may have. It was a beautiful day and I was in a good mood. As soon as I walked in the office grew stealthy quiet. Lula, Connie and Melvin seemed to have been discussing something that was in the news paper. By the way that Melvin started to sweat; I knew it was about me.

I put on my sweetest smile and asked, "Whacha reading about?"

Connie back away from her desk like it held some unknown plague and Lula just put her hand on her hips and started shaking her head in that 'not me' gesture. Then I pounced on the weak link and turned all my attention to Melvin who started to fidget at this point.

"Uh, uh," he wiped his head with the back of his hand as he turned pleading eyes to Lula and Connie. Neither one would meet his desperate gaze and he flinched as he looked back at me. "Well, uh, you see um there was this yeah."

"Just spit it out!" I shouted at Melvin.

He squeaked and threw the paper at me as he ducked under Connie's desk. Neither Connie and Lula would look at me and I was really beginning to be scared. What could be in the News Papers that so bad that these three didn't want to tell me?

I bent down and picked up the paper, I ruffled it a few times to try to smooth out the wrinkles and turned it over to the front page. I stood rooted to the spot and felt like my legs where going to give way. This would be a good time for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

"Oh, shit Connie, she don't look so good." I heard Lula say to Connie.

"Why don't you get her sat down on the couch then," was Connie sharp reply.

"Hell no, she might flip out or somethin'. I think I'll just stay right here."

It was probably a good thing that they stayed where they were at, because splashed across the front page for all of Trenton to see was a picture of me entering a clinic here in Trenton and the headline read in bright bold letters:

**WANTED: SPERM DONOR FOR BOMBSHELL BOUNTY HUNTER.**

I think that was when my eyes rolled up into my head and I fell to the ground in a dead faint.

TBC . . .

A/N: I need honest feedback, loved it, hated it. Special acknowledgements to Stephanie for the Title and Stayce, Dawn, BURGGIRL, and Feather who has fed my devious imagination.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**For Feather for feeding my insanity!**_

Plum in Pampers 02 

By, Elissahara30

Shorty's may not have been a regular hangout for those who wanted to have a causal place to relax, but for those who wanted to blend in and not be noticed it was a quiet and dark enough place to eat pizza and drink a cold beer. Today had your usual assortment of customers, ranging from barflies to factory workers having a drink before they go home for the day.

I sat in the corner booth well into the darkness half listening to my men around me discussing what had gone down that night. We had a particularly brutal redecorating job and for a couple of the guys they were still coming down from the adrenaline rush. The television was buzzing the morning news in the background and I didn't pay it anymore attention than anyone else by the bar.

"Hey, isn't that Ms. Plum's apartment building?" Asked Lester who was sitting next to me.

I swung my gaze up and there up on the TV screen was an ugly dark red cube of a building that most defiantly was where Stephanie lived. I felt a slight knot clench in my stomach, what has happened now?

"Hey," Lester poked at Hal across from us, and with his head indicated the television, "go turn that up."

Hal shot Lester an annoyed look while Bobbie snickered into his beer. Grumbling under his breath Hal scooted out of the booth and went to the TV above the bar and turned up the volume. When someone protested over the noise, Hal shot the offender a pissed looked and the person suddenly ducked his head and kept quiet. All of us at the table turned our attention to the screen.

"Here behind me is the apartment building that one Stephanie Plum aka the Bombshell Bounty Hunter lives." The camera man panned to the building and then the crowd of seniors in the parking lot. There were also dozens of other news crews on site. "The question that is burning the minds here in Trenton is: Will she do it."

Do what? I leaned a little further across the table and continued to watch the chaos on the screen, "Sources tell us that at 4:00 pm Wednesday afternoon Ms. Plum had gone to," the reporter looks down at his notes, "Morton's Fertility Clinic of Trenton." The reporter put his hand to his ear listening to something on the other end, "Skip Wilson is out on the street surveying the publics' opinion, let's go over and see what they have to say."

The camera switches over to a tall blond man with slicked back blond hair, tan skin and a wide white smile, "This is Skip Wilson and I am in front of," camera pans to Pleasure Treasures, "this establishment talking to Joyce Barnhart."

Joyce is adjusting the top of her leather bustier and applying another layer of red lipstick. She smile cattily at Skip, "Well, everyone knows that poor Stephanie can't land herself a real man, I mean she's still single at what forty years old. Poor dear, after all she isn't lucky enough to be able to attract a good man like myself." Joyce swung her gaze back to the camera and liked her lips in a suggestive manor, "she's so lonely that she needs to go to a use a Turkey bester in order to have a child, the shame of it all."

"That is not true," calls a voice off camera. Skip and the camera turn as Lula comes stalking up to Joyce, "You take that back you tramp."

"Look whose call me a tramp, you big fat 'ho." Joyce ground out between clenched teeth.

Skip was looking pretty desperate here and then he looked and Lula and said, "What is your opinion on the matter at hand?"

"See my girl Stephanie; she just knows that she doesn't need a man to have a baby. I always told her 'For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Well here's an update for you: Now days, 80 of women are against marriage, Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.'" Lula states as she puts her hands on her hips and nods her head up and down.

Joyce just gives Lula a dark look, "You are the stupidest person I've ever met."

Lula swings her dark eyes on Joyce in full rhino mode, "Who you callin' stupid! The only thing that separates you from the apes is the fact you use a toilet half the time."

Joyce launches herself at Lula and they wrestle around a bit and Skip and the camera man are watching the fight with the camera's still rolling. Then all of a sudden Joyce lets out a squeak as she starts shaking on the ground. Lula untangles herself and hides her stun gun behind her back. Lula then turns to the camera and smiles wide, "Yeah, she has a problem with that all the time. I think it related to some venereal disease." Lula dusts herself off and heads into the Pleasure Treasure.

The camera pans to the Skip Wilson who looks into the camera with a strained smile, "Well back to the Studio."

Everyone around the table turned their attention back to me. Stephanie wanted a baby? And she went to a clinic of all places? The tight ball of fear I had at the beginning of the broadcast was turning into something else. Lester hastily scooted out of the booth so I could stand up. "Um, so Ms. Plum wants a kid, did you know Ranger?"

I looked at Lester and he raised his hands and backed away from me, "Hey, just asked, none of it is any of my business."

"I'll be offline for a few hours," I said as I walked out of Shorty's and headed for my SUV. I got in and dialed Steph's number, it went straight to voicemail, "Babe, call me." I griped the steering wheel tightly, what the hell is going through her mind? I turned on the vehicle and headed back to Trenton.

TBC . . .

A/N: Loved it, hated it, let me know.. Also I missed thanking Diane C. for her suggestions and input.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

Plum in Pampers 03 

By, Elissahara30

My life has officially turned into a circus. After coming back to awareness, I walked out of the Bonds Office in a stupor. I'm glad Lula and Connie didn't stop me. Melvin seemed to scared to come out from under Connie's desk until I was out of the door. I opened the door to my mini and sat behind the wheel. I slid the key into the ignition and paused.

"My life is shit," I grumbled as I started banging my head against the steering wheel. I so desperately needed a cake, a great big whopping cake with lots of frosting.

I started the car and headed toward the Tasty Pastry, my mind a million miles away. I pulled into the parking lot and went into the bakery toward the cake display, as I was standing there two women came toward me. They stopped a short distance from me and started whispering to each other. I started to feel uncomfortable and shifted from one foot to the other, waiting for the counter person to help me.

One of the women a short brunette with long hair and round cheeks cleared her throat and tapped me on the shoulder, "Are you Stephanie Plum?"

I looked at the woman warily and said, "Yes."

She broke into a relieved smile, "I thought that it was you, but I wanted to be sure. My names Margaret and this is my partner Janelle." Margaret indicated the taller woman beside her who had short cropped blond hair and strong facial features, "And I must say you have empowered us with your independence." Margaret stated proudly.

I looked at the two women before me in confusion; I really had no idea what they were talking about, "I don't understand."

Janelle smiled broadly at me and put her arms around Margaret in a loving embrace, "You've given us the courage to contact the clinic for ourselves," Janelle kissed the side of Margaret's head and turned her eyes back to me, "You're paving the way for independent women every where. That we don't have to have a man in our lives to be parents and its nothing to be ashamed of, we just wanted to thank you."

To say I was stunned was an understatement, "Umm . . . umm . . . okay. . . . Uh, you're welcome." I stammered nervously and then I said a hasty goodbye and make my retreat from the bakery.

I drove around in a daze, great now I was the poster girl for independent women in Trenton New Jersey, just what I needed. What the hell am I going to do now? I started toward my apartment when I noticed it swarmed over with reporters and camera crews. One of them spotted and started running in my direction, I threw the car in drive and drove away as fast as I could as the throng of people tried to catch up with my car.

_Why me, Lord!_ I needed a place to go but there was no way I was going to go to Joe's I didn't want to face him right now, and I didn't want to have to explain anything to Ranger. Mary Lou would pepper me with questions I wasn't ready to answer and that left only one option, _my parents._

Maybe I should just leave the country until this all dies down. It would be easier facing a firing squad than facing my mother, but there was no point in prolonging the agony. Sooner or later I had to face her, and right now I had no where else to hide. I drove through the Burg imagining everyone peeking out of their windows looking at me, talking about what I had done now. Maybe my mother had tippled enough that she'd be in a really good mood when I got there.

As I pulled in front of my parents' house I felt the cloud of doom descend upon me, my mother and grandmother where standing on the front porch waiting for me. I opened my car door and approached the front stoop like one would when they were heading to the gallows. My mother's arms were crossed and her face dark and unreadable, and I felt like a child again when I had done something foolish. My grandmother who was wear fuchsia jumpsuit and white high tops was smiling at me, like I had won the lottery.

We entered the house quietly and my mother refused to look at me. She just went to her ironing board with out speaking to me; right next to her laundry was an opened bottle of Jonny Walker. _Geez, she wasn't even trying to hide it._

"So, Stephanie what was it like? Do they parade a bunch of men in front of you to choose from? Do they have a catalog to look through, do they have test models." Grandma Mazur fired at me.

"No, I just went to talk about the option, I hadn't decided on anything," I turned to my mother, "I mean it, I was just wanted information you know in case I really wanted that option."

My mother slammed her iron down and looked at me, "What's wrong with you and Joseph, you two are practically married."

I sighed heavily, "Mom, I'm not sure I want to get married."

My mother's eyes got large and her face started to turn red, and I braced myself for the mother of all guilt trips. And here I was without my sun screen, crap. It was at that moment that the front door bell rang.

"I'll get it," I called as I ran for the front door. I threw open the door and almost fell backwards in shock. In front of my parent's house was a man wearing a bright red wig, a fake red beard, white pressed shirt and a red and black skirt. If I dared to look closely I could see the sticky glue holding on the beard.

"I'm lookin' for a lassie named Stephanie Plum," he said in a fake Scottish accent, my last name coming out sounding like plume. I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him it was me or not.

"Well aren't you something," says my grandmother from behind me, "He's all dressed up and wearing a skirt too."

"It's a kilt," he says roughly. "Now which of you lassie's is Stephanie Plum?"

"Isn't this a pip, Stephanie he's here for you." Grandma Mazur says cheerfully.

I smile sheepishly to the strange man and said, "Uh, yeah I'm Stephanie."

He nodded his head at me and then pulls out a small harmonizer and blows a tune, then clearing his throat he begins to sing:

_There once was a lady named Plum_

_Who decided that having a baby would be fun_

Grandma Mazur interrupted his song, "I've always heard you didn't wear tightly whities under those skirts."

The man cleared his throat and continued on with this song:

_The paper went wild_

_And all the men filed_

_And now she needs to decide which one._

Once again my grandmother interrupts the Scottish guy, "If you don't wear any underwear what do you do when you get a stiffy? I mean wouldn't it just get in the way of walking?"

He shoots Grandma Mazur a dark frown and continues on with the limerick:

_There was a lady named Plum_

_Who got a bag with a bottle of Sperm_

_In hopes of a Baby in nine months term,_

_Wishing all the happiness to come._

Grandma Mazur swished her dentures in her mouth and said, "Well if you're not going to tell me I'll just have to look for myself," she reaches out to pull the man skirt up and he screams throwing a bag to me and falls back unto the sidewalk porch, his skirt flying up showing his boxer, brief underwear. He scoots back fast and then runs to his car and drives away.

"MOTHER!" screams my mom and she stalks to the front to the house and pulls grandma back away from the door.

"Why are you so upset Ellen, its not like he wasn't wearing any underwear." Grandma groused back.

I stood in shock at the bag in my hand, really not wanting to open it, I walked back into the kitchen where my Dad was ignoring us while reading the paper. I dropped the bag down unto the table and went and to wash my hands.

Grandma Mazur opened the bag and looked in, "Well look here Stephanie; you got your first donation!"

"Jesus Christ," my father mumbled as my mother took a swig of Jack Walker and then crossed herself.

"I wonder if they need help at that clinic, my hands are still pretty nibble." Grandma looked at me earnestly, as she wiggled her fingers, "see no arthritis."

I went to my parents' refrigerator and opened it up and took the left over chocolate cake out and started eating it. Could this thing get any worse?

TBC . . .

A/N: Feather you are my guru for coming up with the most wicked ways in which Grandma Mazur and scare people. Thank you for the Scottish Guy and the Skirt lift lol!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Because of the subject matter of this chapter I have moved the rating up to an M, for sexual content you have been warned!!!**_

_**Warnings: **This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

Plum in Pampers 04 

By, Elissahara30

**Joe's POV**

I thought last night would never end. I hated homicide and really, really wanted to be transferred back to Vice. Unfortunately I wasn't going to be that lucky any time soon. I sat on my couch in a daze nursing my second beer wondering if I should drag myself up to bed when my door bell rang. I briefly looked at the clock and cursed under my breath, who in the hell could it be at 9:30 in the morning.

I stood up and briefly tripped over Bob who was lying at my feet and I cursed again, I was defiantly going to tell off the person on the other side of the door. I just wanted to be left alone.

I swung open my door ready to start giving the so and so a piece of my mind when I noticed it was my Mother and Grandma Bella. I stepped back in shock, wondering what warranted a visit from them this early in the morning.

My mother regarded me with sad eyes and I had to wonder if someone in the family had died. She reached out a hand and touched my cheek tenderly as my grandma pushed passed me to get into the house, "Oh, Joe why didn't you tell me?"

I stood in my door confused, "Mom what are you talking about?"

She patted my cheek with that same tragic look on her face and walked past me into my house and headed toward my kitchen, I was forced to follow her and I watched as she started to go through my refrigerator making tssking noises under her breath.

She started to pull out all my beer and opened each can and poured them down the sink, "Mother! What are you doing?"

I crossed the room and took my last can of beer out of her hand; she turned angry eyes at me as she put her hands on her hips. "Joseph Anthony Morelli, how am I going you to help you if you wont let me."

I briefly wondered if she thought I had developed a drinking problem and I started to feel hurt, "Mom you don't have to worry about my drinking. A beer once in a while wont turn me turn into an alcoholic."

Then I heard my grandmother come into the room and announce, "I got them all Angie, plus we're going to have to buy Joseph all new underwear. He doesn't own any boxers and his jeans are just too tight."

I turned and looked at my Grandma Bella and noticed she had all my boxes of condoms; I couldn't help the redness that crept up on my face. "Can someone explain to me what Hell is going on?"

"Joseph, language," my mother admonished me.

I opened my mouth to say something else when my door bell rang again, I looked at both my mother and grandmother with frustration when I went back and opened the door to my Uncle Sal, "Joe my boy," he patted my shoulder and headed into the house.

He turned to me with a grin on his face and handed me a wrapped package, "Just a little pointers nothing special. Just remember there is no shame involved. It happens to the best of us."

My head was starting hurt, "What is this?"

My Uncle smiled and said, "Missionary style is the best just remember that it allows for the deepest penetration," and he passed me as he headed toward the kitchen where my mother and grandmother were discussing something quietly.

_What the Hell!_

I set the package on a side table and was going to follow my Uncle into the kitchen when my door bell rang again, "Fuck!" I grumbled as I answered the door.

"Aunty Dora?" I said as I opened the door. She was my grandmother's friend and I had called her Aunty Dora my whole life. While my Grandma Bella wore black and made dire predictions Aunty Dora offered advice and warm chocolate chip cookies. I noticed she had a bag that had a pillow in it, she handed me the pillow and walked into the house.

She gave me a nice hug and said, "Now the pillow is special, its for Stephanie, your to put it under her hips during intercourse for better penetration." She smiled warmly at me and walked toward the kitchen where the others had gathered.

I looked at the pillow in the bag and wondered if somehow I was having a nightmare, because this can't be happening to me. I turned away to toward the back of my house when again the door bell rang, "Jesus."

I opened my door to my Aunt Elizabeth as she held a bag of groceries; I took them from her as she entered the house, "Now the food in there is healthy. Because sperm is made of "stuff" and you need to be eating the right types in order to help you in your sperm production."

I looked at my Aunt like she had grown two heads, "And why do I need to increase my sperm production?" I ground out between clenched teeth, as my stomach clenched in tension.

She gave me the same tragic look my mother had and took the bag from me and headed toward the kitchen. That was it, I was going to get answers. I headed back when the door bell rang yet again, "Son of a bitch!" I threw my hands up as I answered the door to my brother who had this self satisfied smirk on his face.

"What the fuck do you want!" I growled out.

He chuckled at me, "Little Brother, I never thought that the Italian Stallion of Trenton couldn't produce, man that's rich."

I closed my eyes and counted to ten and looked back at my brother, "They're all in my kitchen if you want to join in," I said sarcastically.

"Nah, I just came to gloat and say that you need to stop with the oral sex before you do it. The bacteria in the mouth the damages the sperm. And it helps to masturbate, it relives the tension." He gave me an evaluating look, "And right now it looks like you need a little relief." He then turned and walked toward his car.

I considered getting my service weapon and shoot myself when I noticed my Aunt Dorothy coming up the walkway and she smiled at me, "Here's an ovulation kit for Stephanie," she said as she walked past me into my house.

I looked at the kit in my hand and felt my stomach drop, Dear Lord do they expect me to get Stephanie pregnant? I turned and looked at my house and debated about going back inside or just getting in my vehicle and driving away.

My mother came back out from the kitchen and out to where I was standing staring at the kit in my hands, "Good, Dorothy brought the kit."

"I don't get it?" I looked at my mother.

She took my arm and pulled me back into the house and put her arms around my shoulders, "I wanted you to be married first before you and Stephanie tried to have babies, but I'm willing to respect your decision to try for them first, especially if you and Stephanie are having problems conceiving. I just wish you didn't need to do to all these measures."

"Mother," I said slowly, "Stephanie and I aren't trying to get pregnant."

She smiled sadly at me, "Just remember only have sex every two days and its always best in the mornings, that's when a man has the highest number of sperm in his semen." She squeezed my shoulders again and started engaging my Aunt Elizabeth in conversation.

Uncle Sal took pity on me and came over, "It was all over the news Joe that your girlfriend went to a fertility clinic. We just thought you and Stephanie you know, had a problem. We're just trying to help."

My cop face came up as I digested the news from my Uncle. I really, really needed to talk to Stephanie and gets answers from her, but first I needed to get my family out of my house. I turned around to announce this when my Aunty Dora came up to me, "I need to go home now dear. Now I want you to eat right and take your vitamins and watch what type of antacids you use, because they impact your sperm production and Joe dear please keep the mouth above the belly button." And with that she was out the door.

I buried my face in my hands and groaned, I can only imagine what the guys at the station where going to do to me next.

TBC . . .

A/N: Thanks to Shadowwritr for helping me get the idea of this chapter and for Feather for all the wonder facts about what to do and what not to do when trying to conceive a baby. Boy this is fun!


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Warnings: **This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

Plum in Pampers 05 

By, Elissahara30

I had begged my father to take me home after I had disguised myself as best I could wearing one of my Grandma Mazur's dresses and I put a shawl over my head to cover my hair.

As we approached my apartment my mouth hung slack as I watched two groups of protesters outside my apartment building. One side of the street there were a mixed group of men and woman supporting a right for single parent hood and on the other side where a group of older men and woman protesting me seeking out a fertility clinic because I was furthering the degradation of family values.

"Oh, God," I moaned in the seat next to my dad.

"Keep your head down and you'll be fine," My father said to me as he patted my knee.

I shot him an incredulous look and pointed out the window, "Nuhu, am I going out there," Then I pointed to the police barricade and the Trenton PD in full riot gear, "This is insane, there is no way I'm going back to my apartment."

"You want me to take you back home with me?" asked my father.

Visions of limerick singing Scottish men filled my head and I shivered, "No," I sighed, "I think I need a place to hide for a while."

"Do you have a place you want me to take you?" He gave a sympathetic look, almost the same look you give a dog right before you take it to the vet and put it to sleep.

Even though the thought made my stomach cramp, I knew a place I could hide away from the media, "Yeah, take me to Haywood Street."

I waved my father on as I turned my attention to the building before me. I might as well get it over with, nothing like taking my own shovel to my funeral. I entered the lobby and walked past the reception desk to the bank of elevators. I pushed the call button and waited for the steel doors to open. I gave the security camera above on the wall a finger wave before I entered the elevator. Using my key fob I hit the remote to take me to the seventh floor. When the car stopped on the seventh floor I stepped out into the lobby and looked at the door for a long time before I took my key and unlocked it. I walked into Ranger's apartment and looked around. It sure looked the same as the last time I had seen it.

I made my way to the kitchen and took out a beer from the refrigerator, and started drowning my sorrows. I moaned again as I started beating my head against the kitchen counter. "Why me, why me!" I commiserated with myself.

"Babe," said Ranger behind me.

I let out a squeak and turned around a hand over my beating heart, "Jesus don't sneak up on me."

He gave me his wolf grin as he invaded my personal space, his body leaning into me, his lips a breath width away from mine. "You're in my apartment Babe."

"Hmmm," I said as his mere presence short circuited my brain.

"I can help you with getting pregnant," he whispered as his lips teased mine.

I fisted my hands into his shirt and held on for dear life as he assaulted my lips with his own, Oh boy indeed. Then as his hands started to remove my shirt my brain kick started and screamed _STOP!_

"Wait," I breathed huskily against the kisses, "Ranger stop." I said as I placed my palms flat against his chest and pushed at him.

He relented and moved a hairs breath away from me and looked into my eyes with his dark gaze, "What do you want Babe?"

I shook my head a bit to try to clear my brain, "I don't want to waste my time doing it Ranger if I don't get the results I want." I mumbled.

"Excuse me?" he said as he gave me more space.

I looked at him my mind reeling with all the data I learned from the Fertility Clinic and all the chaos of the last few hours hitting me, "You lead a dangerous life, Ranger. You said it yourself. You told me you didn't do pregnancy anyway. So I'm not going to waste my time."

"I'd help you with this if that's what you really wanted?" He said to me as he leaned toward me again.

Panic welled up inside of me and I blurted out the first thing that popped into my mind, "Wait, how do I know they're still good?"

He stepped back like I had slapped him, "What are you suggesting?"

And no matter how hard I tried to control the stupidity it just kept rolling out of my mouth, "Well, you're not in your twenties anymore and Julie could have been a lucky shot . . ." my voice died off as I noticed the dark look that came over his face.

"I am perfectly functional Stephanie."

I swear the panic, the stress the kiss, it made my brain stop functioning because I wasn't shutting up, "You coulda dried up. I mean when a man gets older the count you know goes down," I wiggled my finger in a swishing motion and said, "You know they could have died off."

"I have a yearly physical I'm in perfect health Stephanie." I knew for a fact that Ranger only used my full name when something serious was going on, but I swear I was irrational because no matter how hard I tried to stop I just couldn't.

I skirted around Ranger and ran to my bag and fished out the stuff I got from the clinic yesterday afternoon, "Did your doctor recommend that you abstain from sexual intercourse, masturbation or oral sex for a specified amount of time prior to the collection of the sample?"

I was met with silence and for a moment I thought that maybe he walked out, oh I was so wrong. I had never been on the receiving end of his dangerous looks before and right now, I almost wet myself. I looked at the bag in my hand and looked back at Ranger, "The doctor gave me an at home testing kit."

"I don't need a kit Stephanie to prove I can get someone pregnant." He stalked towards me and I backed up with the bag still in my hand.

"I can't just take your word for it and expect the best. I need to know their still good." I backed away from him and landed onto his couch.

He leaned over me dangerously close, "You can put that away."

I shook my head no, as I dug out the pamphlet, "Look it says here to 'collect the semen sample, you can choose to do it one of several ways: masturbate into the collection cup, masturbate into the collection condom and transfer to the collection cup or have sex wearing the collection condom and transfer to the collection cup." My voice trailed off after the last sentence.

Ranger gave me his wolf grin as he took the bag out of my hand and said, "I can work with option three."

My heart started pounding in my chest as I thought, _Dear lord what have I gotten myself into now._

TBC . . .

A/N: Thank you all for the amazing reviews for this story. Again I acknowledge Feather for her wonderful research skills. I would be lost without them and her wonderful input on my odd ball story.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Warnings: **This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

Plum in Pampers 06 

By, Elissahara30

**The News at Five:**

"Welcome back to our continued coverage of Stephanie Plum and the Baby Chase; let's go to our special correspondent on the street, Skip Wilson . . . Skip?"

Skip flashes the camera his winning smile while dressed in a gray suite wearing a pink and gray striped tie. "Hello Trenton this is Skip Wilson. Today I'm standing in front of Uncle Mo's Candy shop that had been a staple in the area for over 40 years until Ms. Plum had shut it down." The camera pans to the closed and abandoned building behind Skip. "I'm here talking to Mrs. Steeger a resident of the neighborhood and Ms. Plum's former third grade teacher."

Camera focuses on Mrs. Steeger who was rail thin with a pinched face and snappy little eyes lying in wait under eyebrows that appeared to have been drawn on with brown marker. Her glasses hung from a chain around her neck. Her hair was curled tight, dyed brown. She wore a mustard colored dress that hung on her like a burlap bag, "She was trouble from the very moment I laid eyes on her."

Skip cleared his throat, "What are your opinions of Ms. Plum's desire to seek out artificial means to have a child?"

Mrs. Steeger pursed her lips into a thin line and turned her snappy eyes to Skip making him step back in unease, "She was a fiber in the third grade, always trying to sneak gum in the class room. She never applied herself, and it's a disgrace that she goes to some clinic," she curls her lip like she stepped into something fowl. "If she had applied herself instead of taking the easy way out she'd have a child the way God intended."

Skip gave Mrs. Steeger a pained look, "So, you feel that Ms. Plum decision to use a fertility clinic is based on poor character?"

"Stephanie Plum harasses and makes money off the good citizens of New Jersey. She doesn't tell the truth, and her having a child out of wedlock and in such an unnatural way," Mrs. Steeger grabs the mike out of Skip's hand and turns her full attention to the camera, "The only thing that will come out of this is another uncontrollable, heathenistic, future criminal, that will be thrust onto society by a person should not breed."

Skip makes a grab for the mike and Mrs. Steeger bypasses him and whacks him on the back of the head, "You had no manners in third grade either," she then hands him back his mike and walks away.

Skip straightens his tie and turns back to the camera and forces a smile onto his face, "You heard it here first. The question now is, would Stephanie Plum make a good mother."

The signal now returns to the studio where the blond anchorman smiles and says, "Now a word form our sponsor of tonight's broadcast."

Commercial cues up with a man standing in a white lab coat, he has pale skin with bottle thick glasses and mousy brown hair. His mustache looked like a dying caterpillar above his lip, "So, you want to be a sperm donor?" He voice droned.

"My name is Dr. Bill and all of the best things in life involve the merging of two things into one. Fork + Spoon Spork! Breakfast + Lunch Brunch! Vacuum cleaner + Razor Flobee, the new age hairstyle system! But what happens when you mix heartfelt charity with a handful of self-gratification? Sperm donation!" He puts his hands into his lab coat and starts to bounce on his feet.

"How hard could it be? Just walk into a spermy-like place, have a pleasant 5 minutes with yourself, hand over your happiness in a cup, and walk out with a couple of bucks. Woah, woah, cool your jets, Turbo. If it were that easy, you'd find a Spermbucks on every corner. The sperm bank industry is tightly regulated, and the process of donating sperm can be quite arduous." Dr. Bill shakes his head woefully.

". . . an obvious but important step, lest you approach a financial bank and try to deposit sperm. The teller will probably shoot you. So find yourself a sperm bank. How? There are two ways: asking your doctor and doing your own research."

"Regardless of how you find the sperm bank, you should visit the bank before ever signing anything, and make sure that it's clean and pretty. Talk with some of the people that work there, and see how professional a "vibe" you get from the place. Again, compare banks, and pick the best one. Your sperm won't be going anywhere."

Screen changes to a bulleted list as Dr. Bill's voice reads out the items in monotone.

The initial consultation may take place over the phone or in person. At this first meeting, you will find out the base criteria for sperm donation. Different centers have different criteria, but the following are pretty standard:

You must be between the ages of 18-34. The sperm of young men are better at defrosting than old man sperm.

You must be at least 5'11". That's because almost all mothers-to-be ask for tall donors.

You must have a high school degree, almost always a college degree, and even more preferably, a JD, BMW, multiple houses, and googobs of money.

You cannot have (or ever have had) hepatitis B, hepatitis C, HIV, genital herpes, venereal warts, ebola, or that disease that makes little babies look like they're 90 years old.

You must be a boy. Or a talented girl.

**The first donation**

Now it's time to step up to the plate. You go to the sperm donation center, and in a "private masturbation booth," you provide a sample. You hand the cup over to Nurse Ratchett when you're done, and you go home. What are they looking for? Four basic things:

count (how many suckers you got in there?)

motility (are they good swimmers?)

freeze-ability (are they good at staying cold?)

morphology (are they deformed?)

Anywhere from 50 - 90 of all applicants are rejected because of deficiency in one of these areas.

**The second donation**

Back to the sperm center. Time to make some sperm-counters very happy.

**The third donation**

At this point, try switching hands to avoid cramping.

**Take the full fledge medical exam **

It's time to go through a full-fledged, hair-raising, body-invading, pinch-'n'-prodding medical exam. You'll be tested for more things than you want to know, including:

semen analysis

sickle cell carrier testing

Tay-Sachs carrier testing

urinalysis

And if you're accepted, then every three months you'll be tested for lotsa stuff, including:

chlamydia

gonorrhea

hepatitis B

hepatitis C

HIV

syphilis

You have one of these, and the ballgame is over. So live cleanly, young Jedi.

But there's good news: if you're nice and healthy, instead of getting a lollipop at the end of your visit, you get to leave more sperm! We meet once again, Mr. Private Masturbation Booth.

Screen switches back to the Dr. Bill, as his lips twitch in an attempt to smile, "Next week we'll discuss the contacts and payment options on donating your sperm. Thank you and have a good evening."

**In another part of Trenton . . . .**

There where a group of six people crowed around a table in Mary Lou's kitchen. Carl Constanza sat back and took a pull from his beer and shook his head at the list of suggestions of what the current betting pool should be, "Not good enough, this isn't armature hour you know."

Lester Santos rested his elbows on the table and said, "What are you getting at Constanza?"

"What I'm proposing is a high stakes bet Santos, winner takes all." Carl smiled as he took another drink form his beer.

Lula took a book from her purse and opened it up to a blank page, "Alright spill it then, what ya brinin' to the table?"

Carl looked at everyone at the table seriously, "We all know how unpredictable Stephanie can be and who know maybe this baby deals for real," He set his beer down with a definite clunk, "We all know Stephanie's dating Morelli and we all know she's interested in Manoso . . . ." His voice trailed off with obvious innuendo.

"Stephanie's practically married to Joe," Mary Lou protested.

Eddie gave Carl a calculating look before he turned his attention to Mary Lou, "Its all supposition May Lou. The Burg feels comfortable in the ideology of them being together. But if you look at the evidence, they're not as close to marriage at all. And I happen to agree with Carl that there is defiantly something up between Stephanie and Ranger."

Carl pounded on the table and pointed to Eddie, "Exactly, because they're as close to tying the not as the Burg is assuming than there is no way that Stephanie would be seeking to have a kid without him."

"Get to the point Constanza," Lestor growled as he took the book from Lula.

"My point is why don't we 'help'," Carl makes quotation marks using his finger, "Stephanie have that baby."

The table grew so silent you could hear a pin drop, "You mean find her a donor?" Asked Lula.

Carl pointed to Lula and said, "Precisely and not just any donor but Morellie and Manoso. The group who succeeds in their man getting the deed done wins the pot."

"You can't be serious!" Mary Lou's eyes grew wide.

Carl picked up his beer and drank the last of the contents before setting it back down on the table, "I've never been more serious."

Lestor and Tank looked at each other and had a quiet debate before Lestor spoke, "Alright, we're in what's the stake?"

Carl rubs his hands together as he gives each individual a wicked grin, "Morelli's odds are higher than Manoso's so 2-1 odd on Morelli and 15-1 on Manoso."

Lestor looks over at Tank again before meeting Carl's steady but exited gaze, "Okay, put us down for a grand each on Ranger."

Lula made a whistling noise as she took the book back from Lestor and wrote down the information. Carl looks over at Eddie and raises his eyebrow, "Well?"

Eddie fidgets before saying, "Damn it, and put me down for five hundred on Morelli."

Carl gives Eddie a pitting look before he says, "I'm in for a grand on Morelli."

Mary Lou shakes her head and says, "I'm staying out of this one gentleman."

And so the meeting was concluded and the competition began.

A/N: Thanks again goes out to Feather for all her wonderful research skills.

From Chapter one of Three to Get Deadly

from a wedsite on Spermdonation


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Warnings: **This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

_**Thanks to Feather for outlining this chapter so well.**_

Plum in Pampers 07 

By, Elissahara30

**Joe's POV**

It has finally become official; Stephanie Plum was trying to kill me. Instead of doing it quickly, she was humiliating me to death. I am starting to wish she'd succeeded in doing me in when I was 18 with her father's Buick. At this point it would have been a mercy killing. I made my excuses to my family and escaped with what little dignity I had left, after all their wonderful gifts and advice.

All I wanted to do was lock myself in my office and plot what I would do to Stephanie once I got a hold of her. As I walked into the station everyone seemed to freeze and the room grew eerily quiet, even the criminals were watching me with pity. As I headed back toward my office through the Bull Pin I kept expecting someone to say, "Dead man walking."

The best action at this point was to ignore everyone, unless there was an actual crime, I wasn't going to talk to a single soul. I sure as hell couldn't deal with anymore advice today. As I approached my office, I could feel my anxiety level rising and my heart rate speeding up. The blinds to my office were closed, and I never close my blinds. As I reached out to open the door I heard someone trying to cover a snicker with a cough. I knew what ever was behind the door was going to be ten times worse than my mother tossing out all my underwear and condoms. At least everyone in my family was trying to help, who knew what these fools had in mind.

Determined to get my humiliation over quickly I put my hand on the knob and paused to take a deep breath. I closed my eyes and opened the door, when I opened my eyes I wish I could just turn around and walk away, no scratch that run. Hanging from the ceiling on fishing lines were diagrams of the female reproductive system. All floating around as the A/C blew gently in my office, I think at one point I forgot to breathe. I sucked in a breath as I carefully walked into my office; I was not going to give the assholes in the other room the satisfaction of watching me pass out. My ears were buzzing so bad from all the tension that at first I didn't notice the singing.

Good Lord on my desk was the largest stuffed stork that I had ever seen. It had to be five feet tall as it sat on my desk. Hanging from its mouth was a bundle wrapped in blue fabric. And as I took a step closer to the giant bird and it was than I could hear the music,

_Baby mine, don't you cry_

_Baby mine, dry your eyes_

_Rest your head close to my hear_

_Never to part, baby mine_

I took another deep breath to try to calm myself and I reached out to take the blue bundle in the stork's beak. I had to force myself to take the item; slowly I opened the fabric and inside was a book. I sighed in relief it was only a book, until I turned it over and read the title. I dropped the damn thing like a bomb.

The stork was still singing that damn lullaby,

_Little one when you play _

_Don't you mind what you say _

_Let those eyes sparkle and shine_

_Never a tear, baby of mine_

And that book was mocking me, it sat plain as day and its, oh god the title, "The Fertile Male: Power of Positive Thinking," with a damn picture of . . ., Son of a Bitch! I could feel my temper simmering like a pressure cooker, ready at any moment to explode.

I panted against my anger as I started to pace my office, batting the damn diagrams away from my head. I tried to control my breathing, tried to remain calm like the fucking professional that I was, but I was loosing and fast. Than that stork it just seemed to only keep getting louder and louder,

_If they knew sweet little you_

_They'd end up loving you too_

_All those same people who scold you_

_What they'd give just for_

_The right to hold you_

And like that my resolve snapped I could feel my eye twitch and the vein in my temple throb. I clenched my hands until the knuckles turned white. I grabbed the stork and desperately tried to find the off switch. I looked on the back, under the legs, the feet, in its beak. I looked for the access to the batteries and the damn thing just kept singing and singing. I threw it across the room and heard it hit the wall with a loud satisfying thunk, but it gave little respite.

The volume rose to a point that I couldn't hear myself think. It was the bird was screaming at me now,

_From your head to your toes_

_You're not much, goodness knows_

_But you're so precious to me_

_Cute as can be, baby of mine._

Red, all I could feel was a blinding rage as I took up my service gun and the weight felt so good in my hands. I raised it slowly aiming at the thing just singing over and over again. And I shot it, and I kept going until my gun clip was empty. Its head flew off and stuffing went everywhere. It spewed its guts all over the office and now my office was covered in feathers, someone had stuffed the damn thing with real, fucking feathers. Jesus H. Christ! And there was a loud clang and my office grew quiet once more. In fact the whole station grew quiet and as I turned my door way was crowed with officers with there guns drawn and each wide eyed, and slack jawed.

I holstered my weapon and slumped my shoulders and ran my hand through my hair. As I was trying to come up with some sort of explanation for my illrational behavior I hear:

_Baby mine, don't you cry_

_Baby mine, dry your eyes_

_Rest your head close to my hear_

_Never to part, baby of mine_

It was screeching out and running slow like a drunken bum and speeding up like a meth addict on Stark Street. I was about to reach for one of the other officer's gun when Carl pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed my arm.

"Okay Joe, calm down. Why don't we go out and get some fresh air while the guys clean up your office okay?" Carl started tugging me out of the office, but I kept my eyes on that demon bird, who knew what it would do next.

Carl pulled me out and away from my office and took me back to the loading area where he sat me down on the steps. I hunched forward with my elbows on my knees and my head resting in my hands, "Why me?" I moaned out.

"Well, you could look at it this way; maybe this is your opportunity to get Stephanie to settle down." Carl patted my on the back.

I gave him my best eat shit and die look, "Why in the hell would I want that now?"

Carl smiled wide at me as he whispered to me, "Wouldn't you be the ultimate stud if you managed to get it done. Come one man, you have a reputation to uphold. Don't let me down."

I mulled over his words for a few minutes and tried to see the logic in his argument. Then I thought about all that I went through today, I sure as hell had to do something because I didn't want to be seen as someone who had, _issues._ Hmm, much to contemplate.

A/N: Ah, yes this chapter was a big pain in the **BLEEP, **and **BLEEP!** Thanks to Feather for holding my hand. Please review, and review some more. I want reviews to make my holiday cheer even more Merry! Okay so run and review now.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Special warning: This chapter rated M for Adult Sexual Situations**_

_**Warnings: **This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

Plum in Pampers 08 

By, Elissahara30

**RangeMan Seventh Floor**

**Ranger's POV**

_Ranger gave me his wolf grin as he took the bag out of my hand and said, "I can work with option three."_

I took the bag and tossed it behind me as I leaned forward and captured Stephanie's lips with mine. I pressed her into the couch as my hand found it way back under her shirt, my god her skin was on fire. I loved the smooth, warm softness of her and I moved my mouth to her jaw and then to the pulse point under her neck. She sucked in a gasp and I smiled against her throat. I closed my eyes briefly as her hand slid under my shirt and her fingers scraped against my abs.

I suppressed a shiver as I fought for control, but it had been so long since I had been in contact with her body. I wanted her desperately and I was in agony over it. I sat back on my hunches as I divested myself of my shirt and I watched in satisfaction as my Babe's eyes glazed over with desire. She sat up and removed her own shirt and then her bra and my eyes drank in the sight of her. I can never get enough of this woman.

She reached out for me and I leaned over her, and kissed her along her shoulder and then slowly made my way to her breast and my god she tasted so good. As I was feasting on her flesh her cell phone rang, "Don't answer that," I said as I moved up to whisper in her ear.

"Mmm," was her only comment, as I kissed her again ignoring her phone as it rang on her belt.

My fingers found their way down her stomach and skimmed along her pants when, my cell phone ran. "Don't you dare answer that," Stephanie gasped desperately.

I was inclined to agree, when both our phones rang again, I moved away and looked at the read out and knew I had better take the call. I gave one look to Stephanie seeing her flushed and panting and swore to myself. "You better answer that Babe." I said calmer than I felt.

She pouted at me as she answered the cell and I turned my back to her so I could regain some control over myself and hit the button my cell, "Yo."

"Boss there's been a robbery at Morton's Fertility Clinic," Said Tank without much preamble.

"Talk," I ordered as I bent down to pick up my shirt.

"It came over the police scanner five minutes ago, it looks like someone stole Ms Plum's file from the clinic." _Fuck!_ I swore to myself silently, "We'll be there in twenty minutes." I said as I snapped my phone shut.

I turned around and noticed a very pale looking Stephanie. She turned her big blues to me and said, "That was Mr. Smably from the clinic, someone had stolen my file."

I walked to her and gathered her up in my arms and held her close, "Let's get our shirts back on and head down there to evaluate the situation." She nodded her head against my chest and I took a moment to feel her warm skin against mine before I shook my head and pushed her away at arms length. I looked into her eyes, "Are you alright?"

She smiled weakly at me and said, "Yeah, let's get out of here."

**-8888-**

I watched her from the corner of my eye as she looked out the window. Her face was still white and her hands fidgeting on her lap. I was half tempted to reach over and grab her hands to make her stop.

Then she puts her head in her hands and moans out, "Oh God, what will my mother say now. The newspaper, the TV crews and the limerick singing Scottish man handing me a bag of sperm on her doorstep." She moans out again, "I think I need to move away."

I wasn't quite sure I had heard her right; did she just say someone gave her a bag of sperm? "Babe, a bag of sperm?"

She continues to shake her head and then she sits up and turns her wide eyes to me and says, "After this my Mom's going to stop making me cake again. No more pineapple upside down cake, no more chocolate fudge cake. There is no way I can have a baby now, a baby will need cake."

"Babe, breathe. Cake is not what's important here. What guy gave you a bag of sperm?" I said as I continued to keep my eyes on the road.

She started to shake her head back and forth, "That's not what's important here. At the rate I'm going, I won't have cake for my baby shower, and I'll be the only woman from the Burg alive without cake." Stephanie's eyes got a far away look in them, "I'll have to have store bought cake for the baby shower."

"Babe. If you really need cake that bad, Ella will make you one, I promise. Now let's get back to the sperm, please try to focus." I pulled over into an empty parking lot and stop the SUV and turned around to look at her. I took Stephanie's hands in mine. They were ice cold.

"Ella can't make me a cake, she might use whole wheat flower. She'll hide some healthy stuff in it, I just know it," I feel her hands shaking in mine and I was at a loss as to her complete panic. "What if I get banned from the Tasty Pastry?"

"Babe I will fly a damn pastry chef in from France. Please tell me about the _damn_ Scottish man with the bag of sperm?" I shook her hand to get her attention.

"I might not ever have Boston Creams ever again," she mumbled. Then her eyes focused on me, "I _need_ cake Ranger, I don't care about strange men showing up at my parent's house with odd presents."

"Is it still at your Parent's house Babe?" I asked as I watch her eyes focus on me and nod her head. I grabbed the phone of my belt clip and hit the speed dial for the control room, "Tank I need you to pick something up at the Stephanie's parent's house."

I gave Stephanie one more concerned look as she kept mumbling about cake and put the SUV back in drive and headed the rest of the way to Morton's Fertility Clinic.

-8888-

**Bonus Scene – Just because I love you all**

**Stephanie's Parent's House – Hal's POV**

I frowned as I drove up to the Plum Residence. Again I drew the short straw, and again I had to wonder if Lester had somehow rigged it that way. Cal had refused to go with me, said something about developing Tacophobia1, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.

I had heard rumors about Ms Plum's granny and I wasn't looking forward to having to come into such close contact with her. Tank specially forbids me from stun gunning the old broad, said something about it not being practical. After Ms Plum had stunned me I had been hard pressed not to look like a boob.

I turned off my SUV and got out and walked to the front door, I knocked politely and waited for someone to answer. An elderly woman who I knew was Mrs. Mazur answered wearing a neon pink velour sweat suit and white high tops.

"My, aren't you something," she said to me as she looked me up and down. I resisted the urge to shiver at the wanton look in her eyes, "Are you here to give a donation for Stephanie too?"

"Ah, no ma'am, I was asked by my boss to pick up the donation that was left here earlier today," I said as politely has I could.

"Huh," she said to me as she let me in the door, "Stephanie had thrown it away, but I dug it out of the trash." She winks at me and says, "You never know when a spare cup of Sperm comes in handy." I nearly choke as I stumbled behind her, she pats my arm which quickly changed into a caress and I back up away from her in the hall.

"The donation ma'am," She frowns at me and turns and we walked back further into the house, I noticed how neat and clean the house was. I had a moments pause as I noticed that Mrs. Plum was ironing napkins and she would pause to periodically sip from a bottle of Johnny Walker.

We walked into the kitchen and Mrs. Mazur had opened the freezer, "I put it the freezer, I hid it behind the spare pot roast. I was going to hide it in the empty ice cream container but all I could find was vanilla and that's Frank's favorite flavor." She paused as she moved the pot roast out, "That's odd, its not here."

Then we hear from the living room, "Ellen, there's something wrong with this pudding. I think its gone bad."

I start to get a bad feeling in my stomach as I followed Mrs. Mazur into the living room, and she snatches the container from Mr. Plum's hand, "Here you are, looks like most of it still here."

Mr. Plum started to get a green look to his skin and he stood up and rushed from the room, "What's your problem, its good for you. I heard there's lots of protein in it." Mrs. Mazur calls after him.

I carefully took the container from her hands and closed the lid on it. I tried really, really hard not to get sick over what just had happened. I left as fast as I could. Next time I will fake an injury before I will even come close to this house again, hell I might even stun gun myself.

TBC . . .

A/N: Thanks to Feather as always. My partner in crime.

1 Tacophobia – Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Warnings: **This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

Plum in Pampers 09 

By, Elissahara30

**Mary Lou's POV**

I stood at my sink scrubbing the dried milk from the bottom of the glass. In my mind I can just hear my mother-in-law tsking at the fact that I had dried milk in the bottom of the glass. 'You know Mary Lou if you rinsed out the dishes you wouldn't have this problem.' I ground my teeth as I attached the glass with more vigor. There were times I wish aliens would come and just abduct her. Or maybe the mob would pay her a visit.

I put the glass in the sink just as I hear a loud yallowling noise coming from down the hall. I turned around just as our cat Whiskers shot out of the hall at warp speed. Whisker's was all wet and he collided with my leg. Did a back flip, bounced off the kitchen table and then down and out the cat flap in out back door.

I looked back toward the hall to see Mikey slowly walking out. He turned his wide innocent blue eyes to me, "Oh Mommy," he shook his head, "the swirley monster got the kitty."

I put my hand on my hip and said sternly, "Mikey what have I told you about flushing the cat."

Mikey shook his head at me, "Oh no Mommy it wasn't me," he looked behind him and shuddered. Then he turned and looked at me again and whispered, "It was the swirley monster. Yep, it picked kitty right up off the floor and swoosh it went."

"Mikey," I warned when I happen to catch my oldest son Kenny start to make his way out the front door, "Kenneth Edward Stankovich what in the world are you wearing?"

My eldest son slumped his shoulders as he turned to look at me and I had to bite back a yelp as I noticed one of my old nursing bras strapped to his head. The cup flaps were undone and two devil red horns were sticking out. He also had strapped on a sword and a water gun on his belt.

"Mom, I'm going to go meet Tony down the street." He mimicked me by placing his hands on his hips.

"There is no way you're going out dressed liked that," I pointed toward his bedroom, "You take that off your head before you go out and play."

"But Mo o om," he whined, "I'm the space monster and I need to have my horns and helmet."

"Absolutely not," I took him by the shoulders and marched him back to his room. I peeked into my daughter's room and noticed that she was sitting on her floor with her dolly. That would be just fine but they were both naked.

I looked at the ceiling and took in a deep breath, "Mary Beth honey you need to get dressed."

"Nu hu," she shook her head at me, "Don't wanna."

I started into her room when she stood up and ran toward me and as I was reaching for her she scooted through my legs and down the hall screaming, "I'm naked!"

"Mary Beth!" I called as I spun around and went back into my living room. Mary Beth was chasing Mikey around the table saying "I'm naked, I'm naked." All the while using her doll as a weapon the hit Mikey with.

"Mommy, make her stop." Mikey yelled.

I stopped and stared at my front window as I saw my son Kenny running across the street, not only my bra still on his head, but what looked like two more on strapped to his chest. I slumped against the wall, "Just shoot me, please God take me out of my misery."

And then the phone rang, "Shit," I swore under my breath. I picked up the receiver noticed the Caller ID was blocked. Damn it if this is another telemarketer. I had put us on the Do Not Call list but they still call. I hit the talk button and said, "Hello?"

"Is this Mary Lou Stankovik?" a deep male voice says.

"Okay this is the last time I'm taking your calls. I don't want to join your video club; no I don't want to loose weight. You can shove your magazine subscriptions up your ass. I'm not interested in participating in your poll and no I don't want to change my long distance carrier at all or ever for that matter. I don't want cable or satellite and no I don't need any feakin' miracle creams so saying all that take me off your call list." And I hung up.

I looked over at my two youngest children and they were staring at me wide eyed, "Oh no Mommy you said a bad, bad word. Oh no, oh no, you a bad, bad Mommy."

I covered my face and said, "Please just go to your rooms, okay?"

I didn't hear a reply but I could tell that they were headed toward the bedrooms. I made my way to the front door when my phone rang again, it was still a blocked number, "What?" I answered.

"Is this Stephanie's friend Mary Lou?" the man asked.

"Uh, yes. Is she okay? I mean I've been hearing the news all day. Oh dear I'm so sorry for going off on you. I didn't mean to be so rude and hang up on you the call was blocked so I just assumed . . ." I rambled on.

"This is Stephanie's . . . friend Ranger," I could hear a whimpering noise in the back ground, "Can I bring her over."

Oh My God! Ranger . . . Stephanie's Ranger. Calling Me! "Uh, yah sure bring her . .. hmmm . . . what should I be prepared for?" Stephanie had often joked about third world countries and Ranger . . . than again it would be a nice change. Maybe a vacation somewhere with a beach. There still were third world countries with beaches and cabaña boys. A cabaña boy named Poodle serving me margaritas. Hmmm . . .

"Are you there," Ranger said over the phone.

"Yeah, I'm here," I said as I started fanning myself.

"We should be there in about twenty minutes." And he hung up the phone.

Twenty Minutes? I looked at the chaos that was my house and almost fainted. What was I going to do? I can't have that man in my house, not that I would mind but . . . that was when Mary Beth still in the nude streaked out the front door.

I dropped the phone, ran out the door, grabbed May Beth with one arm and managed to hunt down Kenny and drag him back to my house by the bra strap. I slammed the door shut and slumped against it. I desperately needed reinforcements.

I picked up the phone and dialed my husband, "You need to come and get your children now!"

"Wha . . .," Lenny started to say.

"No, you don't understand. Stephanie will be here in," I looked at the clock and about dropped the phone again as I realized I had about ten more minutes before they got here. "They'll be here in ten minutes and the kids can't be here."

"But . . .," he said.

"No, no, no I will not call your mother. You have to come and get them and take them over there." I said.

"I have . . ." he tried to say.

"Tell them to wait, this is an emergency. I don't want to here anymore excuses," And I hung up the phone.

I ran for Mary Beth's room and fraught with her to get dressed then I took my bras from Kenny when I heard the door bell. Oh my god, oh my god there here! I turned from Kenny's room and headed toward the front door when Mikey beat me to it.

Mikey looked at Ranger with wide eyes, "Hi, do you have a penis? Because I do, but Mommy and Mary Beth they lost their's a long time ago. " He stood there looking at Ranger with all the seriousness a four year old can have.

I stood in shock and then made my legs work as I lightly gripped Mikey's arm and pushed him back behind me. I plastered on a smile and hoped my face wasn't too red. "So, how is Stephanie?"

Ranger looked at me and I had to clench my legs together to keep from wetting myself. Damn if this guy didn't scare the piss out of me. "She's in the car," he said.

I looked back at the house and then followed Ranger out to the SUV where I noticed Stephanie slumped in the passenger seat. All my maternal instincts came screaming out when I turned to Ranger and said, "What the hell did you do to her?"

He held up his hands to me and said, "We were one our way to the Fertility Clinic when she just started going off about cake."

I looked back at Stephanie and then at Ranger and back at Stephanie again, "When was the last time she had sugar?"

"I don't know," he said.

"WHAT!" I could not believe this guy, "What do mean you have no idea . . . I . . . what?" Oh, my poor, poor Stephanie. I came around the drivers side door and opened it, "Don't you know a sugar emergency when you see one?"

"I don't eat sweets," he said.

I stopped and just stared at him, was he for real? Then again his body was built and muscled and ripped and . . . wow is there a heat wave here or what. "Could you take her into the house, I don't think she's able to walk on her own."

I watched with aw as he picked Stephanie up so easily and carried her into my house. If Lenny tried that with me he'd through his back out. Ranger laid Stephanie and my couch and Mary Beth walked over to Stephanie and patted her face. Stephanie's eyes focused on Mary Beth and Stephanie smiled.

"I prayed to baby Jesus that he keeps all the baddies away from you," Mary Beth said to Stephanie, "because even heroes need help."

I watched as Stephanie's eyes got all soft and she touched Mary Beth's cheek, "Thanks." She said.

I turned and looked at Ranger, "I think I got it from here. She's in good hands."

His face was unreadable as he watched Stephanie and Mary Beth, "Yeah, she is." Before I could say anything else he walked out the door.

A/N: There you have it. Not the best but I tried, its been a long while since I wrote on this particular tale. Please, please, please review. I need them like water or chocolate or . . . well you understand.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: **__The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine. _

_**Warnings: **__This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!_

Plum in Pampers 10 

By, Elissahara30

**Mary Lou's POV**

I slumped against the door after I pushed Lenny and the kids out. Thank god he came when he did, because I didn't think I could take it much longer.

I ran for my kitchen in search of my emergency ice cream. I flung open the freezer and reached for the back. I pushed the frozen peas out of the way and grabbed the bag of chicken gizzards. I opened the bag and pulled out my Ben & Jerrys back up only to find it empty.

I blinked at the empty container and then moved into action when I heard Stephanie starting to weep in the front room. I ran to my cupboard and pulled out my box of wheat chunks looking for my stashed cookies only to find the box empty too. What was I going to do? What kind of Burg woman am I? I have no coffee cake. I felt the first stirrings of panic bubble in my stomach, what if the Lady's Social found out?

I looked up at the cupboard again and noticed the box of Lucky Charms. I pulled it down, "Yes!" I shout as I dump the box on my counter and start plucking out all the marshmallows. I make sure I have a good handful and made my way into the living room. I just go to Stephanie when my door bell rang. I jumped and just threw the marshmallows at Stephanie.

"Look Mare, I got a rainbow," Stephanie said before she popped it into to her mouth.

I looked between Stephanie and the door trying to figure out what I should do when I heard, "Hey, anyone home. I got this chicken here and the damn grease is running down my arm. Fuck, there's a dog here sniffin' at me. Will ya open the damn door?"

I rushed for the door and flung it open and I think for the first time I met Stephanie's infamous food fairy. Lula was decked out in a purple tulle skirt, black spandex shorts and top so tight I swear she would fall out any moment. But to finish it all off she had purple glittery wings attached to her back with the elastic stretched so tight it was almost to the breaking point. She was holding several different bags of food. Lula pushed past me and made her way to my kitchen. She started unpacking all the food she brought.

"Good thing Batman called when he did. 'Cause it gave me time to load up on enough stuff to set Stephanie right, ya know. I got here a bag of donuts, chicken from Cluck in a Bucket, McDonalds, and here is the Ben & Jerry's." She took out six quarts and set them on the counter, "Well, shit this isn't going to work."

"Why," I asked while eyeing all the calories on my counter. I think I just gained twenty pounds.

Lula waved one of the Ben & Jerry's in front of my face, "This here Cherry Garcia is low fat. My girl can't have low fat ice cream. A time like this needs real sugar not this low fat shit. Who ever heard of low fat ice cream any way, just not natural." Lula plunked the quart on the counter and fished around her bag for her cell phone. She pushed one on her speed dial and put it to her ear, "Hey studly could you go to the store and get me a couple quarts of B&J. Ya, you do know whada I like. Uh, ha . . . ya . . . I yo mama."

"Hmm, Hmm," I cleared my throat loud enough to draw Lula's attention back to me.

Lula snapped her phone shut grabbed a quart of ice cream and walked into the living room to Stephanie. I put away the rest of the ice cream in the freezer before it melted too much. And then made my way back into the living room. I sat in a chair and watched in amazement as Lula started spoon feeding Stephanie.

Once Stephanie consumed the whole quart she looked at Lula and me. "I'm sorry," she said.

"Oh, honey you don't need to be sorry." I patted Stephanie's hand.

Lula rolled her head over at me and snorted, "Hell, she needs to give up the skinny on the sperm farm if you ask me."

"Someone stole the profiles on the donors I picked out," Stephanie moaned into her hands. "Now everyone's going to know."

Lula leaned closer to Stephanie like a dog with a bone, "Well then there ain't any harm in spillin' is there? Aren't we yo best friends?" Lula pointed at me and then herself.

Taking in a deep breath Stephanie said, "I wanted my baby to have dark skin, and brown eyes. . . .," her eyes got a far away look in them, "some of the files have photos in them and there was this guy . . . he was a medical student. Said his parents were mixed race, and he was beautiful."

I stood up and said, "Lula will you come into the kitchen with me, I think Stephanie needs more comfort food."

Lula just gave me a glare and I followed up with my version of "the eye", "Damn, don't do that, shit I'm commin'"

Once I had Lula in the kitchen and out of ear shot of Stephanie I said, "What do you think you're doing out there?"

Lula planted her feet, and her hands went to her hips, "I'm trying to help."

"How? By interrogating her about her donor choice? We need to stay out of this," I implored.

"You just want her to choose Super Cop," Lula accused as she started to pull out more ice cream.

"I did not say that," I opened up the freezer and put the ice cream back.

"Maybe not, butcha thinkin' it," Lula took the ice cream out of the freezer again.

"I think you want her to choose Ranger," and I put the ice cream back into the freezer.

"And what if I do," Lula glared at me as she grabbed the bag of donuts and made her way to the living room. I flung my arms and in the air and looked up at my ceiling, _Why me?_ I picked up the chicken and grabbed napkins and plates and headed back into the living room.

"Yo know what you need Stephanie. Yo need to forget this whole sperm thing. Yo've got two good studs already." Lula was nodding her head about her idea as she was stuffing a donut in her mouth, "Yah . . . yo could get Super Cop and Batman both to donate. Then mix'm up real good and then get yo'self pregnant that way."

Stephanie and I booth turned dumb founded expressions to Lula, "What?" Stephanie asked.

"See that way yo don't haveta choose. Oh, hey maybe yo could be one of those woman who give birth to twins and they each have a different daddy. Ya know a two for one kinda deal" Lula smiled real big, "Then everyone be happy."

"No twins," I said. I love Stephanie; I really do, but twins? I closed my eyes as I suppressed a shudder.

That's when my door bell rang again. Lula stood up and answered it and there in my doorway was Tank. He held up a bag with ice cream and a fifth of tequila. "Someone had placed and order," he said to Lula.

"Damn skippy," Lula said.

_Oh shit,_ I thought. _This was going to be a loooong night._

A/N: I did it, I wrote more. Doin' the snoopy dance. Please let me know what you thought. Really, I want to know if there are still interested readers out there. Show me the love.


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